The Gates of Hell

Who am I?

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 00:17:53 GMT

So I've definatly decided that I'm really frustrated with life. I don't know what to do anymore about anything pretty much. I've got so many different emotions boiling inside of me and I've got no freaking idea what to do with them. I'm in love with somebody. But there's nothing I can do about it. Here's the fun part of it, I don't know if I should just let it go and forget about it and move on, or if I should hold out on the chance that something may come of it yet. I know what I want to do, but I don't know if it's what I should do.

On another not, I've got a drug problem again (yes this blog gets better and better) YAY FOR ADDICTIONS! This time it's far worse however, I've graduated to bigger and better (more dangerous) drugs than just simply pot and alcohol. Ecstacy is now my drug of choice, mixed with anything I can get my fucking hands on. Once I start, I can't seem to stop, all I want it more. It's turning into almost an every day thing now too. I'm losing control over every aspect of myself and it's starting to scare me. I'm getting to the point where I don't really know who I am anymore. Everytime I look in the mirror I see something different, either a drug addict, or a lovesick emotional wreck, or a depressed self mutilator, what ever it may be, I don't know who I am anymore.

I have the opportunity to leave here. To leave everything behind and start over again. I want to. More than anything. But I don't think I'm ready to let go of everything, not to mention to me it seems like a form of running from my problems and I'm not really interested in running from my problems anymore. I've done it for years and I'm sick of running, but I don't have the strength to stand and face them. I'm so afraid of hurting. Although every day that passes the pain just deepens. No matter what I do I hurt. Nothing makes me happy anymore, nothing...nothing but the drugs, and that's not even real happiness all that does it make me numb for a few hours while I'm so fucked up I don't know what's going on. Time repeats itself. I know where this is going and at the end of it all it's not going to be pretty...

I wish someone could save me.

Mon, 14 May 2007 18:24:20 GMT

I was so totally right. I got fucked over again. I knew it was going to happen and then I completely let it. Damnit I'm a fucking sucker. Whatever, I don't care, I'll et over it. Doesn't mean I'm going to give up hope either...things change, tis the world's perogative.

uhhh, yup.

Sun, 06 May 2007 19:32:12 GMT

I am so totally confused right now. I've got so many different emotions and feelings that I swear to god I'm going to burst. And yet I've found myself yet again in and akward situation, and I'm scared to death that the out come will be similar to that of which happend last time. I don't know that I can handle going through something like that again. I don't want to be hurt agian, but at the same time the other emotions are so strong that I can't back off and let it go. What do I do? I wish sometimes I could just like skip ahead in time a few months or weeks or something and see the outcome of these things, and make my decisions now accordingly to save myself from getting hurt, or to end up being happy. Happy. Ha, what the fuck is that? I don't even know anymore.

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 17:08:55 GMT

Why do I bother with anything anymore? Seriously? Same thing happens over and over and over. I'm done. I give up. Game over. End Transmission.

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 04:55:13 GMT

I miss my life :\

But I love my girl *nods* Tis the only thing keeping me going these days. Things are rather rough right now in my life and I've got very few people to help me get through, but to the ones that are there, Thank you. You're help is what's keeping my spirits up guys. <3

P.S. I love Christina with all of my heart.

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 18:35:28 GMT

Sometimes I swear to god nothing makes sense. I don't understand people and thier actions as well as I once thought I did. But then again, I suppose it's better that I don't understand most things these days. Lately the only thoughts that have been crossing my mind involve me somehow disappearing from this life that I've built, demolished, and re-built over and over again. I want to demolish it and start fresh, not re-building upon the fragments that were left from the previous destruction as I've been doing for so many years now. There are very few things left in my life that I enjoy, I hate being in large groups of people, going out to the club lost it's novelty, hell I can't even stand the thought of going to denny's without wanting to strangle something. There's two people I can tolerate being around continuously and not get completely disgusted with, my best friend and the one that I love. Only two people. Everyone else just irks me to the core of my black and bitter heart. Is it possible to start over this late into the game? And I don't mean late from a time standpoint, I know damn well I'm still young, but I've gotten myself to weaved, so deep into everything that I find it hard to fathom being able to break free now.

Or maybe I'm just scared....

All my love, Always.

Right..

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 18:50:18 GMT

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

That amused me ever so much.

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 18:10:33 GMT

So many things are so screwed up right now. I honestly don't know up from down, I just feel so blank and void. I feel like I've lost half of me and I think I actually have.

I just wish everyone would leave me be. Stop trying to tell me how to feel or what to do. No one understands this feeling but me, and there's no way anyone else can help me through it.

The only thing is, this time I'm not so sure I'm going to make it through this.

If you're my friend and I don't talk to you as much, I'm sorry, I'm not myself, and I'm definatly not in the right state of mind. Again, my apologies to everyone.

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 18:55:13 GMT

People fucking disgust me.

I'm done, With everything.

So long and good night.

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 23:18:09 GMT

Sometimes, life and people confuse me.

My family makes me sick, my grandmother mainly, I swear to god I don't know what to do with myself anymore -.- gah i just want to runa way from this shit, all of it, and everyone, and take tina with me. She's the only good thing in my life, and it means worlds to me that she stays by my side through all of it.

And to my friends who've been by my side, thank you. Thank you all so fuckin much.

I love you Christina, forever and always.

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 22:40:00 GMT

Sometimes life is a funny thing.

And it takes strange circumstances that can be painful for parties involved to really realize things. Or an extra hundred miles on your car at 1am to be there for the people that mean the most to you, or an un-expected overnighter early-week to spend some much needed time with the person you love the most and need to prove that to by any means possible.

With everything that's gone on, i've got a clear veiw for the first time of what i want. And i've hurt people in the process, and i apologize to those whom know who they are, and i give my love to the one whom knows who she is, well whom everyone knows because i've been preaching it for months. And it's not changing. Ever.

I love you Christina.

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 03:47:23 GMT

i've kind of decided to take a hiatus for a while.

i'm not going to be the socialite i typically am because all i'm seeing is a repeat of my past that's happend over and over, i've been used and taken advantage of and now i'm going to get left out and behind again.

everyone learn from my mistakes, don't be a good person, it doens't pay off.

i hate people :(

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 17:54:35 GMT

i so totally got the love of my life back, and i'm uber happy, but i'm still kinda questioning the decision >.< eh we'll see what happens i guess, live and learn?

<ilovetina3

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 00:25:32 GMT

Flyleaf - There For You

Sometimes I'm selfish fake
You're always a true friend
And I don't deserve you
'Cause I'm not there for you
Please forgive me again

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to
Runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you
I wanna be there for you

Swirling shades of blue
Slow dancing in your eyes
Sun kisses the earth
And I hush my urge to cry, cry

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to
Runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you
I wanna be there for you

'Cause I hear the whispered words
Within your masterpiece beautiful
You speak the unspeakable through
I love you too

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to

I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to
The love runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you

i fucking love flyleaf, every song on thier album is the shit.

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 04:55:08 GMT

well demf was fun...even tho i kinda fucked up and did something is houldn't have and made my two best friends furious with me....

i'm not always the smartest person in the worl :-\ i'm sorry to those who know what i did and who it effected.

eh...yeah life goes on, blah blah blah, who cares?

Thu, 18 May 2006 03:20:27 GMT

I'm single yet again. Broken hearted yet again.

I. Give up.

Tue, 16 May 2006 03:13:48 GMT

Yes, i'm still in fact alive...to an extent

A lot has been going on, all kinds of fun things, and some sad but that can be expected in life.

I wanna say thanks to all my close friends who stick by me through everything and are always there to have good times with.

And i owe a lot to the love of my life, Tina, without you i wouldn't be me, you're my better half and i love you with all of myh eart and soul and i ALWAYS will ^_^

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 04:10:07 GMT

Take the quiz:
What type of kisser are you?

Playfull kisser
you and your girl/boy friend will have a very fun relationship

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

...i've had people agree with this

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 02:44:35 GMT

so today, was the most amazing day of my LIFE!!!

things are so awesome right now....and i can't even begin to find the words to describe the way i feel.

thank you tina SO much for spending time with me all day today, i love you with all my heart and i ALWAYS will ^_^

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 18:49:53 GMT

so right, interesting weekend, i guess all in all i had a good time...but i came close to klling people repeatedly...and i'm sick of certain people right now and thier shit.

thanks to the people who were true through everything and for not causing any shit

and thank you tina for coming with me and putting up with my pissed off drunken ass for the night, i love you with all my heart and nothing can change that ^_^

Mmmmm Saturday...

Wed, 29 Mar 2006 18:51:21 GMT

Saturday, April 1st, 2006

Labyrinth Detroit
400 Cass Ave
Detroit, MI 48226

PROCESS42 - Industrial / Hard EBM
Columbine - Industrial

Regretably, Grendel will not be able to play this show due to customs issues at the border.

Columbine will be headlining this show, and Process42 will be opening.

The show is 18+ with ID

Admission and further details TBA

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 23:43:29 GMT

yeah uhhhhhh i guess my weekend was pretty sweet

but it lacked one vital thing

the love of my life >.<

murr....i miss you sweetheart, and i love you SO fucking much, don't ever forget that.

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 03:41:38 GMT

ya know, sometimes you just have to stop and think

think about the past, the people you knew, the people you know, the way you acted and the way you do now...

...do you have any regrets?

or is it all just a part of living?

i see it as part of living, and i have no regrets, to those i've lost as friends, i'm sorry, and to those who've stuck around i thank you.

no one knows what the next day brings, but live each and every day as tho there's no tomarrow

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 20:51:39 GMT

wooooooooooooo hoooooooo!!!! awesome weekend ^_^

friday night was tight, chillin with good friends then hittin up the movies

saturday was wicked cool, went down to trenton, did sum stuff round there with my lovely ^_^ then went back up into this area kinda to drive sara n greenway home n such, picked up giacomo and went down to city club. i had the BEST fucking time ever, we met up amy, tiffy, and krys there and we all had a blast. :D

i'm so sore...from dancing...i don't think i've ever danced so much before O_o

btw, thanks for actually dancing this time tina lol i love you baby, thanks for being you and for putting up with my dorkiness XD

when the emotions build...they have to break at some point...and i've broken...

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 05:09:14 GMT

There comes a time in our lives when we're forced to question the foundations of everything we know, everything we feel, everything we see and hear...and what it all boils down to...is that there is no way to know if this is reality, or if it's just some elaborate dream...or nightmare...depending upon your outlook on this life.....all we can do, is make the best of what we're given, wether the cards are black as death, or colorful as happiness, we have to work with what we've been delt. There's no point, in dwelling on painful moments, dark memories, days that we'll never relive again, choices we'll never be able to go back on...but at the very end of it all, when the sky goes black, the stars have all to have fallen from the place where they once hung so proudly, and you feel like the life you knew has betrayed you...there will be two things left...your friends...some closer than others, some lovers, some aquantances, some family, others by your side because of fate...and the other thing being hope, without that, no day is worth living...no battle worth fighting, no arguement worth having...no wound worth healing...

Fight through the pain, struggle through the suffering, smile through the good times, laugh at the inside jokes...and don't ever let go of the people you love, and stand by those that you've promised to.

To my friends that have become my family, to my love that has become my life, this is my vow, this is my promise....forever means FOREVER