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The Gates of Hell

12th June, 2007. 8:17 pm. Who am I?

So I've definatly decided that I'm really frustrated with life. I don't know what to do anymore about anything pretty much. I've got so many different emotions boiling inside of me and I've got no freaking idea what to do with them. I'm in love with somebody. But there's nothing I can do about it. Here's the fun part of it, I don't know if I should just let it go and forget about it and move on, or if I should hold out on the chance that something may come of it yet. I know what I want to do, but I don't know if it's what I should do.

On another not, I've got a drug problem again (yes this blog gets better and better) YAY FOR ADDICTIONS! This time it's far worse however, I've graduated to bigger and better (more dangerous) drugs than just simply pot and alcohol. Ecstacy is now my drug of choice, mixed with anything I can get my fucking hands on. Once I start, I can't seem to stop, all I want it more. It's turning into almost an every day thing now too. I'm losing control over every aspect of myself and it's starting to scare me. I'm getting to the point where I don't really know who I am anymore. Everytime I look in the mirror I see something different, either a drug addict, or a lovesick emotional wreck, or a depressed self mutilator, what ever it may be, I don't know who I am anymore.

I have the opportunity to leave here. To leave everything behind and start over again. I want to. More than anything. But I don't think I'm ready to let go of everything, not to mention to me it seems like a form of running from my problems and I'm not really interested in running from my problems anymore. I've done it for years and I'm sick of running, but I don't have the strength to stand and face them. I'm so afraid of hurting. Although every day that passes the pain just deepens. No matter what I do I hurt. Nothing makes me happy anymore, nothing...nothing but the drugs, and that's not even real happiness all that does it make me numb for a few hours while I'm so fucked up I don't know what's going on. Time repeats itself. I know where this is going and at the end of it all it's not going to be pretty...



I wish someone could save me.

Current mood: aggravated.
Current music: Modulate - Skullfuck.

( enter the gates? )

14th May, 2007. 2:21 pm.

I was so totally right. I got fucked over again. I knew it was going to happen and then I completely let it. Damnit I'm a fucking sucker. Whatever, I don't care, I'll et over it. Doesn't mean I'm going to give up hope either...things change, tis the world's perogative.

Current mood: crushed.
Current music: Linkin Park - Shadow Of The Day..

( enter the gates? )

6th May, 2007. 3:26 pm. uhhh, yup.

I am so totally confused right now. I've got so many different emotions and feelings that I swear to god I'm going to burst. And yet I've found myself yet again in and akward situation, and I'm scared to death that the out come will be similar to that of which happend last time. I don't know that I can handle going through something like that again. I don't want to be hurt agian, but at the same time the other emotions are so strong that I can't back off and let it go. What do I do? I wish sometimes I could just like skip ahead in time a few months or weeks or something and see the outcome of these things, and make my decisions now accordingly to save myself from getting hurt, or to end up being happy. Happy. Ha, what the fuck is that? I don't even know anymore.

Current mood: blah.
Current music: Front Line Assembly - Unleashed [Mindless Mix].

( enter the gates? )

15th March, 2007. 1:08 am.

Why do I bother with anything anymore? Seriously? Same thing happens over and over and over. I'm done. I give up. Game over. End Transmission.

Current mood: crushed.

(2 has entered.have entered. | enter the gates? )

30th January, 2007. 11:50 pm.

I miss my life :\







But I love my girl *nods* Tis the only thing keeping me going these days. Things are rather rough right now in my life and I've got very few people to help me get through, but to the ones that are there, Thank you. You're help is what's keeping my spirits up guys. <3



P.S. I love Christina with all of my heart.

Current mood: aggravated.
Current music: Ladytron - Destroy Everything You Touch.

( enter the gates? )

31st December, 2006. 2:35 pm.

Sometimes I swear to god nothing makes sense. I don't understand people and thier actions as well as I once thought I did. But then again, I suppose it's better that I don't understand most things these days. Lately the only thoughts that have been crossing my mind involve me somehow disappearing from this life that I've built, demolished, and re-built over and over again. I want to demolish it and start fresh, not re-building upon the fragments that were left from the previous destruction as I've been doing for so many years now. There are very few things left in my life that I enjoy, I hate being in large groups of people, going out to the club lost it's novelty, hell I can't even stand the thought of going to denny's without wanting to strangle something. There's two people I can tolerate being around continuously and not get completely disgusted with, my best friend and the one that I love. Only two people. Everyone else just irks me to the core of my black and bitter heart. Is it possible to start over this late into the game? And I don't mean late from a time standpoint, I know damn well I'm still young, but I've gotten myself to weaved, so deep into everything that I find it hard to fathom being able to break free now.


Or maybe I'm just scared....



All my love, Always.

Current mood: aggravated.
Current music: Keep Holding On - Avril Lavigne.

( enter the gates? )

30th December, 2006. 2:50 pm. Right..


You are The Devil


Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession


The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.


Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.


What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.



That amused me ever so much.

Current mood: anxious.
Current music: Blue October - Into the Ocean.

( enter the gates? )

26th July, 2006. 2:09 pm.

So many things are so screwed up right now. I honestly don't know up from down, I just feel so blank and void. I feel like I've lost half of me and I think I actually have.

I just wish everyone would leave me be. Stop trying to tell me how to feel or what to do. No one understands this feeling but me, and there's no way anyone else can help me through it.

The only thing is, this time I'm not so sure I'm going to make it through this.





If you're my friend and I don't talk to you as much, I'm sorry, I'm not myself, and I'm definatly not in the right state of mind. Again, my apologies to everyone.

(4 has entered.have entered. | enter the gates? )

22nd July, 2006. 2:54 pm.

People fucking disgust me.



I'm done, With everything.


So long and good night.

( enter the gates? )

17th July, 2006. 7:15 pm.

Sometimes, life and people confuse me.

My family makes me sick, my grandmother mainly, I swear to god I don't know what to do with myself anymore -.- gah i just want to runa way from this shit, all of it, and everyone, and take tina with me. She's the only good thing in my life, and it means worlds to me that she stays by my side through all of it.

And to my friends who've been by my side, thank you. Thank you all so fuckin much.





I love you Christina, forever and always.

( enter the gates? )

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